Disaster at half the price
Products you need, at prices you can afford? Where’s the catch? Oh, it’s forced labor, a Better Business Rating of under 1.5 stars, and possible identity theft? Well, look, you can’t make a concerningly cheap omelette without breaking a few eggs! Temu, the hottest new name in cut-rate drop-shipping, has taken consumerism by storm, offering an incredible selection of dogsh*t for prices you’d be stupid not to take advantage of!
Now, if you just want some weird little knockoff Pikachu plushie, go for it. It might be filled with asbestos and dirt, but that’s your call. These 12 items, however, I would recommend not putting your life in the hands of…
16-in-1 Surge Protector ($7)
As a general rule, I wouldn’t recommend plugging anything purchased from Temu into a wall outlet.
1300W Space Heater ($14)
If you’re worried that shoddy electric wiring isn’t closely connected enough to fire for your taste, combine the two with a space heater! Even the dog looks worried.
Heated Mat for Pets ($6)
When the Universal Serial Bus was invented, the creator declared, “Someday, this will be used to burn cats.”
Electric Stove ($14)
The same fire hazards you know and love, but this time, with a pot of boiling water relying on their structural integrity. This is the most dangerous thing introduced to college dorms since Everclear.
Hot Oil Pan ($8)
Buying a cheap kitchen tool intended, in theory, to handle 200 milliliters of scalding oil is like a lab storing sulfuric acid in a Nalgene.
Emergency Fire Blanket ($6)
Don’t worry, if any of the items above do malfunction, and cause a fire in your home, you’re ready — with an “emergency fire blanket” that costs six bucks. Why are the instructions blurred out? Are they racist or something?
Tree Climbing Ladder ($7)
Another general Temu rule I’d pitch, along with “no wall outlets”: Nothing that’s intended to support your full body weight. Like this $7 “climbing aider” that’s explicitly marketed for hunters, aka people with a rifle strapped to their back.
Canoe/Skis/Snowboard/Kayak/Boat/Surfboard Rack ($20)
Okay, so the list price is $40, but keep in mind, that’s for a two-pack. Double the carnage! Enjoy, from now on, every time you see some outdoorsy freight being hauled at 80 mph on the highway, wondering if they bought their rack from Temu.
Car Ceiling Cargo Net ($12)
If you prefer your chaos inside your car, may I recommend this $12 car ceiling cargo net? Just wait for one of the straps to fail, and now you’re trying to drive down the freeway from the perspective of the inside of a claw machine.
“Imitating Racing” Car Steering Wheel ($22)
God save the man who added this to his cart as I was viewing it. And yes, this is meant to be attached to a real, honest-to-god car, not a Power Wheel. It’s a piece of sh*t that’s exclusively attractive to people who want to pretend they’re in a race car.
Chandelier ($60)
For only $60, you can die the elegant, dramatic death of a rich person!
Water Gun ($12)
Now, this is not, in itself, dangerous. It is, however, a remarkably accurate looking gun that, to my eye, seems not to have the orange tip legally required to indicate that it’s not real. If someone left this in a park, the National Guard would get called in. They might as well market it as a “cop bullet magnet.”
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