12 of the Most Dangerous Items on Temu (2024)

Disaster at half the price

12 of the Most Dangerous Items on Temu (1)

Products you need, at prices you can afford? Wheres the catch? Oh, its forced labor, a Better Business Rating of under 1.5 stars, and possible identity theft? Well, look, you cant make a concerningly cheap omelette without breaking a few eggs! Temu, the hottest new name in cut-rate drop-shipping, has taken consumerism by storm, offering an incredible selection of dogsh*t for prices youd be stupid not to take advantage of!

Now, if you just want some weird little knockoff Pikachu plushie, go for it. It might be filled with asbestos and dirt, but thats your call. These 12 items, however, I would recommend not putting your life in the hands of…

16-in-1 Surge Protector ($7)

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As a general rule, I wouldnt recommend plugging anything purchased from Temu into a wall outlet.

1300W Space Heater ($14)

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If youre worried that shoddy electric wiring isnt closely connected enough to fire for your taste, combine the two with a space heater! Even the dog looks worried.

Heated Mat for Pets ($6)

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When the Universal Serial Bus was invented, the creator declared, “Someday, this will be used to burn cats.”

Electric Stove ($14)

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The same fire hazards you know and love, but this time, with a pot of boiling water relying on their structural integrity. This is the most dangerous thing introduced to college dorms since Everclear.

Emergency Fire Blanket ($6)

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Dont worry, if any of the items above do malfunction, and cause a fire in your home, youre ready — with an “emergency fire blanket” that costs six bucks. Why are the instructions blurred out? Are they racist or something?

Tree Climbing Ladder ($7)

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Another general Temu rule Id pitch, along with “no wall outlets”: Nothing thats intended to support your full body weight. Like this $7 “climbing aider” thats explicitly marketed for hunters, aka people with a rifle strapped to their back.

Canoe/Skis/Snowboard/Kayak/Boat/Surfboard Rack ($20)

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Okay, so the list price is $40, but keep in mind, thats for a two-pack. Double the carnage! Enjoy, from now on, every time you see some outdoorsy freight being hauled at 80 mph on the highway, wondering if they bought their rack from Temu.

Car Ceiling Cargo Net ($12)

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If you prefer your chaos inside your car, may I recommend this $12 car ceiling cargo net? Just wait for one of the straps to fail, and now youre trying to drive down the freeway from the perspective of the inside of a claw machine.

“Imitating Racing” Car Steering Wheel ($22)

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God save the man who added this to his cart as I was viewing it. And yes, this is meant to be attached to a real, honest-to-god car, not a Power Wheel. Its a piece of sh*t thats exclusively attractive to people who want to pretend theyre in a race car.

Chandelier ($60)

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For only $60, you can die the elegant, dramatic death of a rich person!

Water Gun ($12)

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Now, this is not, in itself, dangerous. It is, however, a remarkably accurate looking gun that, to my eye, seems not to have the orange tip legally required to indicate that its not real. If someone left this in a park, the National Guard would get called in. They might as well market it as a “cop bullet magnet.”

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12 of the Most Dangerous Items on Temu (2024)

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